Falling
by iheartCSI4326
Summary: Unless something can prove him wrong. Anything that means something to him keeps leaving. [Gorencentric with hints of BA]


_Disclaimer: Nothing is mine unfortunately. Dick Wolf and such own everything L&O CI._

_AN: This sort of just came to me at like 3 am. It really doesn't have a main thing about it. Kind of random. But I hope you like it. It's sort of Goren-centric... and set around this season. Unbeta-d, I only read over it once. Sorry if there are a few mistakes. Read and review._

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_**Falling**_

_Written by Lila Wills_

If there was hope in life, despite all the signs along the way telling you, you're on the wrong path, that every turn and moment you are just not helping. That it's all in error. And that at the end of your tiring journey you will be left standing alone in a cloud of dust. If that hope still was there behind those distractions on the way.

Robert Goren in all his self querying just couldn't see it.

His outbursts at work, his constant lack of attempting to sleep, his shutting off his mind from everything and anyone - not that he had ever really let them in to begin with. His brother, not trusting him, wanting to just stay in his dead end life. His mother, in all her struggle with illness, and time and history taken it's toll on her fragile frame; finally gave up and left to be at rest. Holding it against her seemed pointless to him.

Even work seemed pointless. Helping this small portion of the world put away different forms of corrupt, fallen and evil people turned criminals. Helping what he saw as a losing battle. Hope was the last thing he saw in life. He had his mind, his ability to pull those string in the human mind, play them like puppets on a string. It was all he had to do lately, on case after another, not caring just going after the answers, so he could set everything right, so he could get something right. People always saw him from their own tainted views. Insane. That loose canon Detective who was bent on ruining his own career. But even with the human capability to wait before judging to not judge a book by its cover. They always got it wrong. He didn't want to ruin his life. He wasn't a loose canon like some mentally ill person unable to control the spirals their mind went down. He had just lost hope.

He had been for years. People always unsure whether or not to believe in his theories and ideas or thoughts, but yet so quick to give him a pat on the back when it was one more bad guy for Major Case now living in a dark empty cage away and out of sight of the normal civilized people. He blocked out what people, coworkers, thought about him as much as he could. Even with his mind running at the pace it did, so eager to go into what it shouldn't if it wanted to stay sane. He did try. But he couldn't always. It did come out in a certain crack in his facade and his voice for a split second. Or a look he would get. Or something that appeared he was really going overboard. Maybe he was a person that could give up. But _her._

_She_ wasn't letting him. Despite all of his mistakes and warning signs that said she should get away now. The warning signs that radiated off of his personality. She was his conscience. Always silently telling him that no, it wasn't over.

He found his strength in her sight of hope for life. He discovered a connection that was real - and he hadn't even been looking. Sometimes he wandered if she only stayed by his side out pity. Out of obligation and loyalty from that always caring heart she had.

A Priest had once said something to him when he was a boy, a still unaware Bobby had, even at a young age had that mind craving to know more about the why, he had asked if god was real, because how could he look over so many people in the world and look out for them all. The Priest had said that that is why there were angels. _That is why there are angels._ Days when that petite but determined partner of his came in through the entrance doors of the Major Case squad room, her blonde hair flapping on her shoulders, her gaze fixed ahead of her blankly staring as she still mentally woke up. Sitting at her desk, them not needing to exchange greetings because somehow they didn't ever feel like they said goodbye and separated. Those days. Maybe there were angels. Just in unexpected places.

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Waking up with a start Goren sat up straight on his futon sofa in the darkness of his apartment. Sweat was running down his back, soaking through the cotton of his washed out looking blue t-shirt. A few strands of hair sticking to the skin of his forehead. A shiver went from the breeze of air over the back of his neck and down his spine. Rubbing his chest to calm his rapidly increasing heart-rate he let out a shallow but long breath, closing his eyes as flashes of the dream he had been thrown out of danced behind his eyelids.

His reaction to it should have lessened over the past month. Seeing as he had been getting the exact same dream every time he managed to will himself to sleep. At first it had been just repeating the beginning, then eventually it was the whole length. From then on it was always the same, just as vivid and exact to every detail. What was different was his reaction each time; first he thought it was nothing, then thought maybe it was trying to tell him something. During a case the week before he even thought it was connected maybe, but then it started to hit a nerve in his emotions. And it started to slowly scare him awake.

What frustrated him was why he kept having them. In it all he saw was black, then slowly around the black other things were visible, all from a birds-eye view. Then he would realize it was because he was seeing it then slowly he had a feeling of falling, falling further and further into that black hole and then darkness.

— A buzzing ring of his cellphone made him snap his head around and open his eyes, breaking him out of the replay of his recurring dream. Without even reading the cellphone's lit display he flipped it open and held it to his ear.

"Goren."

"_Bobby, the Captain called me, he needs us at the west side of central park. Someone stumbled over a decomposing corpse. The ID on the body says it's the missing girl we've been looking for..."_

Goren breathed faintly for a minute.

"_Bobby? _–"

"– I'm on my way‚" he responded. Swinging his legs over the side of the futon and planting the soles of his bare feet onto the cold hardwood floor.

"_Bobby_-"

"– I won't be long."

""

He could tell she heard, or thought she heard something in his voice and was going to ask him in a concerned tone if he was okay. But, there was a pause and her voice changed, and all she said was, "_Okay... CSU isn't here yet anyway._"

"OK." Was all he said. Seconds later they both hung up.

He didn't need to analyze this certain relationship to see that it was strained. That there was some distance and it was his fault. All she was at fault for was not giving up on him. But maybe the damage was too great and she had no choice anymore. He constantly felt guilty while she pretended that what was done was done, when neither of them were helping the growing emotional distance. Sure, their professional relationship didn't need for them to be _best buddies_. But he needed it. He needed her. His friend. He needed his friend _and_ partner. Not one without the other. But he kept being slapped with the reality that until he was proved otherwise. She didn't need both.

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Moving around in the darkness of his apartment with only the street lights flickering through the blinds that hung on the window, Goren picked up his jeans off the edge of the sofa armrest. Stepping over to the open window he pulled it shut. Stepping into his jeans, before he slid on his shoes.

Going toward the door he pulled on his suede coat and patted it, hearing a clink of his keys. Putting his cell into the opposite pocket he opened then closed the apartment door behind him. Locking it, he pushed on the wood of the door with his palm to check it had locked. Then heading down the one flight of stairs from the first floor to the building entrance. Opening the door he paused as the outside air temperature washed over his face.. then stepping out he walked down the stairs taking two by two till he was on the pavement and soon seated in his car.

He placed the car keys into the ignition and listened to the car start to life. As he pulled onto the road he thought how he had done the past couple of minutes the exact same way countless amount of times and how lonely it made him feel. Nobody to see him off, no smile from someone you love. Nothing telling you that when you get back there would be something there worth coming back for.

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He eventually got to the crime scene. The case went through the stages like they all did. The body. The evidence. The reasons. The questions. Before anyone had even stopped to take a breath the sun had come up and shinned a whole day, its warm rays beaming down over New York and it had then slowly started to set.

Eames stood at the window at the far side of the empty layout room. Behind her files lay strewn over every available surface and the whiteboard barely visible behind the photos and maps and information, stuck, pinned, tapped onto its every space.

A paper coffee cup held in her hand, she blinked and slowly tore her eyes from staring out at the tinted orange sky and down to the coffee cup that had been empty of coffee for awhile. A sigh came from her as it occurred to her how long she had been awake and how tired she now felt. Idly placing the cup onto the metal table she wandered out through the door and out into the somewhat quietened squad room. Passing a few desks she ended up standing outside the A/V room.

Leaning her body onto the frame of the door she aimlessly crossed both her arms across her chest as her head fell onto the door-frame. She looked on as she found Goren sitting down where he had been she was sure four hours ago. Rewinding, playing, pausing, rewinding, and playing the 13 self-made stalker tapes of their victim which were found at a suspects home.

She watched him adjust his sitting position so he could lean the arm that held the remote on his other leg. His shoulders slightly dropped, his hair more out of place then it had looked at 2:45 that morning when he had showed up at the scene in his crinkled t-shirt and suede coat. Now he again sat in a crinkled t-shirt, a different color this time. Green. She always thought green suited him. It was a intense but subtle color. Pretty much like he was, maybe not so subtle. But intense.

She had been looking out for signs that showed what his mood was today since their morning phone call but all she saw was him trying everything to show that nothing was there.

The room was silent, except the count of his faint breathing and the video spinning in the VCR. Until she could hear rain start to fall on the windows, the sound made Goren pause in his actions, then as he went to go back to it he sensed someone at the doorway. Turning his head to the side he caught sight of Eames, leaned up against the door-frame, her arms crossed casually and her head tiredly leant on the door-frame too. She was just standing there silently, looking at him as he looked back.

In a smooth quiet motion she slowly stepped into the room, making her way over to the little station point he had made over the passing hours, sitting herself down on the floor amongst the paperwork on the floor, beside the stool he was perched on. She crossed her legs, still saying nothing. His gaze just watched her movements. The rain - the loudest sound as it echoed off the glass on the window. Turning his head back to the screen of the playing video he pressed play. Eames leaning her head now on his side.

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As the clock on the wall now ticked 2:45 am. Goren pressed the power button on the the television set. Standing up slowly he stretched his arms as he heard his bones crack faintly. Turning around he noticed Eames wasn't sitting at his side but movement at the door made him look up.

Eames walked in, two coffee cups in her hands, wordlessly handing him one of them. She nodded her head to the doorway. "You need to stretch your legs... And I need fresh air that hasn't been clouded over with a days worth of male testosterone."

A smile made its way to a corner of his mouth as they walked into the now empty and florescent lit squad room. They ended up sitting at the top of the stairwell, the fire escape door to the roof propped open with a stray brick for the cops going up for a smoke to relieve the stress of the job. With both coffee cups steaming, they sat there, still no words. Goren not talking mainly because he was in his head.

He was going over that strain in their relationship again, and how his dream of falling may be connected to the thought of falling and no one catching him scared him. How without his partner, all there was, was a black hole of darkness.

Eames just sat next to him in silence as she knew he was thinking and she didn't want to disturb him. Eventually both cups were empty and sat on the stone floor beside them. The rain outside still coming down strong, the repetitive sound made Eames feel in a certain comfort of peace. Turning her head to look at him she nudged him on his side with her elbow, pulling him out of whatever it was that had him so consumed.

"Come on."

Goren's face got a look of being completely clueless. Then curiously he spoke, "Where are we going…"

"Nowhere if you sit in your head much longer…" she replied, already grabbing hold of his arm as he got to his feet. Opening the fire door with her foot then holding it with her other hand she half pushed him out.

"Eames—"

"Stop Eames-ing me. And don't think for once.

Who am I kidding. You not thinking."

Goren now already in the rain had an amused smirk on his face as his mood started to lighten. "Why–"

Eames shrugged, "Think of it as whatever it is that you can't fix is washing away. You can't move on and get on with your life if the problems from that part of your life are still following you," she said over the sound of the rain falling. Her hair now sticking to her face.

Goren just stared blankly at her. "Eames…"

She put her hand up as her other moved hair from her eyes. "You say that you are fine, that you've gotten over your mother dying, that you are fine with the fact that not long ago the captain was quite ready to throw you out on your ass before you went and tried to quit, and I swear, if you say that you are fine with this non-communicating we have going on lately – Iam throwing you off the side of the roof. You just watch me."

Even though the rain was falling and it was still dark out there on the roof apart from the light of the buildings surrounding. Eames saw a smile on his face for just a second. But it was followed by laughter. Goren looked at her and realized despite the tolls on his career, her career, their partnership, she was still his friend. She was that thing proving him otherwise.

As it quietened and again there was silence, after a few minutes Goren spoke, "We are so going to get a cold." That was it. All he said.

But like always the things that meant something were the words that weren't said. Because they didn't need to say them, both of them knew whatever it was. Didn't matter. They had their partnership, their friendship.

Eames walked over to him slowly and with one more step forward had him in a hug as she held onto him. His appreciation came out as he let out a breath he felt he had been holding in since everything had started to go downhill. Where all the hope had disappeared from his sight. But as he placed his arms around her and just let her hug him, he saw what she did. Hope. As the rain continued to pour down around and down on them..

He had one thought.

_He had stopped falling._

_**Fin**_


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